(After Irene decided to adbicate of the hurricane life to be a tropical storm. The duck and I enjoyed to finnaly take a walk out.)
I never thought this place was for me. I remember to say 'What a waste, a person like me be going there. That's a place for aspiring performers, fashionists, someone with a big dream to be in the spotlight, to be seen and heard; and specially a place for someone with attitude, strengh and persistence to persue whatever it is that they want to achieve. I had no such things.
I'm shy, I can't sing, dance or act. I'm in the sciences department and I'm not great, not sure if I'm even good enough. I've never really tried to my full potential my whole life. Sometimes I'd try, sometimes I would just be lazy. I don't have that constant drive that get people somewhere; I'm not even sure where is that somewhere I want to be, so why go there? To be honest, after all the arrangements were made, I felt myself being pulled back, my whole body pointing to the opposite way. But I knew I had to go. I needed change, I needed to shake my inertia, to be put in stress, to be as much on my own as I could to try to finally try to feel the adult life has been expecting me to be for a while now. I'm not a person of favorites: color, band, movie... I was always in between shades, undecided, not many things would make my blood boil, my soul shake and awake a drive in me to persue that. So, when something does poke my drive, and I see myself with making - and most importantly executing - plans, I'd go for it. So I did, here I am.
(The Naked Cowboy at Times Square, as Manhatanish as the Chrysler Building. Everybody's got a talent.)
At first I'd get annoyed at the 'I S2 NY' souveniers, VERY. It's so cliche to love a place like this... just because it's big and crowded, full of neon lights, night life, tourist attractions, all the famous brand stores... I don't fall for that. Sure I was curious to see in person all the sights I've been seing my whole life in movies, series and news, like Central Park, Times Square, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the George Washington bridge... Sure I was excited to visit the museums with all the famous painters, to watch a Broadway show, to hope to bump into a celebrity, to go to a nice concert, to taste different things and meet different people. But that was not enough to grow love in me, as to love sth/sb, we have to love the good and the bad. And there's a lot of bad: The dirt - specially in the subways, with a side of rats -, the lines, the noise, the high prices, the very fast pace of life, the indiference of the new yorkers towards outsiders - unless they're hoping to sell you something, but even then -, the distances... All of those were having a great importance; greater than the good ones.
(Went on a rainy day in an attempt to avoid the huge tourist lines; they thought the same thing.)
I felt an enormous pressure to S2 NY, (aahhhh!!) why couldn't I? I was hiding just not to have to lie to people. Everything was deteriorating, plans A, B, C... I was going through the whole alphabet, making up letters and plans, trying so many different things, being stubborn: 'I can't go yet. I hate it, I don't want to stay, but I don't want to go either... yet.' I was feeling defeated, beated by the city I was supposed to love, the city of opportunities. When will I get mine? By that time I was hiding from frustration also. If I don't try anything, I won't fail anything. Right? I wouldn't dare to put those feelings into a sentence in my head, but that's what I was doing, for months. It was hard to do nothing productive at all, it took energy and planning: 'Ok, from 8to11 there will be this in channel 44; then at 12 there will be that there; the afternoon will be easy, the recap marathon will save my life!' Like they say, it's a day at a time... a day at a time can make you do things you never thought you would - for the good or the bad -, a day at a time creates a habit, and that's all we need; then the laws of physics will do the rest.
It took me pop songs, lots of misery, boredom and just the right talk with someone to realize the problem relied with me all along - yeah, yeah, the economy is bad, I'm an unexperienced nobody, I don't speak spanish... BUT 'I' was what was most wrong in the equation. 'Did I really want?' 'Not anymore...' 'Was I really trying?' 'Not really... not everything.' 'Did I believe in myself?' 'Pff, of course not...but I was innocently hoping someone would'. The hiding did me good in the way that allowed no one to really know what was going on with me, if I was happy, sad or sadder; my deadlines; my frustrations; I really needed to be the only one with the power to rule, to decide; I really needed to fail and to be the only one to blame for that, no transfering the guilt. I do love my family and friends, and I am so very gratefull for their care; but everytime I spoke with someone in the first months, it crushed me mainly not to have good news, and not to be there with them.
It was when I gave up that I got what I needed to get back in the game: Having no more expectations was liberating! I already felt on rock bottom, so there was no way to go but up. Also, the hiding did me good, having no one to report to made it so much easier to take the defeats, to put myself together, to make the decisions, to go out there without barriers, the risk of judgment, advices or concern. Everything changed, and so fast. I've been having the best time, making friends, a little money, making my life happen. Seeing things through different eyes and finding all the bright collors I couldn't before. All I needed was the right attitude. This city is so competitive and rispid, it really doesn't care about you; and why should it?! There are SO many people here, from SO many different places, really, the most difficult thing to find is a born and raised NYorker. I always wondered why people would travel from so far to the huge capitals. 'Haven't you heard it's already too crouded here?? Go somewhere else! There's no room for you!' It won't have mercy, it will eat your fragile soul for lunch. And that's why it became lovable for me afterall! Because it's just like my mother: instead of conforting and baking me cookies, it'll force me to go out there and prove myself, do the best I can, to not take 'no' for an answer, to compare myself to the best and always feel like I have to improve, instead of comparing to the worst and feeling confortable. The city puts you to the test: 'Do you really want this? How much do you want it? Is it your dream? Prove it or leave it.'
(I believe to be George Washington, at Wall Street)
Yes, I want it and I'll make it happen, cause no one else will! I'm still persuing my dream, just not in NYC anymore. What I want from it now is to enjoy, to be the goofy tourist I didn't allow myself to be! To take pictures (and actually be in them), to buy souveniers (with the excuse that they're for sb else, of course), to count my pennies and gear up with whatever I can't find where I'm going to (or at least not for a fair price). I've realized what I already knew: this is no good place for a scientist - at least not for this one -; for a business man, artist, tourist, definetly! This city has shaped me into what I needed to be, it gave me friends, experiences that I haven't had anywhere before, a little bit more style ;), insonia (collateral damage)... I feel
completly happy and proud of what I've had here. I've been really enjoying my affair with NY these days but, indeed, I'm ready to go, my heart is in peace, already full of plans and a new direction. And this time, I'll know better than if I had never come here.
NYC taught me that beauty will come from unthinkable places; you never know what there will be in the next corner; you've just gotta keep walking.
Damn it, I S2 NY.
(there, I said)
Nenhum comentário:
Postar um comentário